What am I supposed to be learning?

In therapy this week, following a full-on heart dump, my counselor asked me a simple question.

“Are you actually allowing yourself to sit in those emotions and feel them, or are you avoiding them?”

I replied, after a long pause, “Probably both.”

Yet, here I am two days later sitting in my robe (following a 30 minute long shower consisting of me laying on the floor of my bathtub), drinking rosé straight from the bottle at 12pm.

You decide.

Look, to be honest that’s probably super fucking relatable. And if I’m being honest, I’m the damn QUEEN of avoidance.

But okay Lauren, this one’s for you. Because the only way I know how to “sit in my emotions” is to write it out so that I have to think it, feel it, write it, and maybe even share it.

The last month and a half have felt a bit like a whirlwind. And I know myself well enough to know that I’m excited by change when I’m in the driver’s seat. I like to feel in control.

Sure, on the surface I act all calm, cool and collected like, “It’s out of my control. Just have to make the best of it and roll with the punches.” Meanwhile I’m like, “This sucks. I suck. Everything sucks. I hate this shit.”

I’m laughing a little about how dramatic that sounds when I write it out but I’m just here to be real.

I’ve always excelled at rationalizing my emotions. Sure, I can talk about “how I’m feeling” all goddamn day. I can help others rationalize their feelings all goddamn day. I can weigh the pros and cons, I can put on a brave face and try to do or say the next best thing and try like hell to not be attached to the outcome when at the end of the day I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of being a failure, of not being good enough in my work or in my personal relationships, of letting myself down or people I care about down, of being made a fool, of allowing myself to be walked all over, etc.

Every time we make the decision to walk into something arms wide and heart open, we are deciding to be terrified and brave all at the same time. We are opening ourselves up to the real potential of a disappointing and undesired outcome. We are allowing ourselves to be seen and potentially rejected.

All I know is that right now I’m uncomfortable as hell.

So, the only thing I can think to ask myself is, “What am I supposed to be learning? What is this situation teaching me?”

And right now, in the middle, I don’t fucking know. And I guess maybe that’s okay.

I do know these things:
- Everything becomes clear somewhere down the road.
- Hugs, kisses and spooning are highly underrated.
- Intimacy/vulnerability, in all forms, is hard.
- Sitting in the shit, stinks. (Sorry, had to make myself laugh.)
- Being a human is hard. Being humane isn’t. (Daren Thomas Magee / Real Fun Wow)
- The middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens. (Brené Brown - Rising Strong)